So rewind to October 24th...a month and a day before Nattie's due date. DH took one look at me after coming home from work and said go take a test you are pregnant I see it in your eyes again. I wasn't even late yet. I brought it out and handed it to him and told him to wait 3 minutes and if there were 2 lines it meant we were pregnant with our little rainbow. He looked at it and said it's already there! In that instant I went from being excited to scared. Scared that I would be "let down" again and lose another child. We had decided that we wouldn't post anything on facebook until baby was born, July 5th was he due date, if it comes a week early it could be June 30th, the worst day we had, the day we found out our baby girl was sick. I was hoping for June 30th it would make a terrible day a happy day again. I announced at work the following week and found that two friends K and D were both due within a few weeks of me. We told family and a few close friends. I was a hot mess, I was trying to trust in God's plan but knew that anything could happen at anytime. I was nauseous even before I took a test. I hoped this was a good sign. I told my FEEL group and GriefShare group. Each time I told someone I felt this pang, something wasn't right. I started spotting on a Thursday. I read that it can be very normal. If i isn't red or heavy don't worry. I had to drive in the first bad snow that night to pick my DH from the airport. The next day it was about the same until the evening when I saw a tiny bit of red. We went to see a movie but I could hardly concentrate. Saturday it got worse. Sunday, November 16th, DH had to go back to work, he contemplated calling off to stay with me. I had already made sub plans and called off for Monday. I spoke with the OB on call who said if it wasn't filling a pad in an hour it was probably normal and to take it easy and see my OB Monday. I told him to go ahead and go as here wasn't much we could do and he might as well make some money. He headed to the airport to fly out. An hour or so later the back pain and spotting turned to bleeding. My parents were a a function and his sister was in town so I called her o take me to the ER. I knew in my heart of hearts hings were no right but was hoping that if my intuition was wrong we could see Little Love's heartbeat. My parents met us there. DH called as soon as he landed. I felt horrible that he was alone...again. My friend was my PA in the ER. He had another female PA do the exam. I could tell by her sounds and all that it wasn't good. I will not go into too much detail but I asked her if she found tissue. She said she thought so. They send in the ultrasound tech. She wouldn't let me see the screen...I thought that if she saw something she would show me. I asked her if she was allowed to tell me anything. She said not really. My friend came in a while later to tell us that it seemed that I was miscarrying. My uterus was clean, There was not a sack so it appeared to have passed early on. They thought the tissue was from "result of conception". They sent me home, I would have blood drawn in 2 days to be sure my HGC levels were going down. I would be monitored until they were 0. My platelets were low again so my OB agreed to have me have those checked for my peace of mind. She didn't feel the two pregnancy losses were connected. She said some women just have a pattern of a delivery-good or bad outcome and the next is a loss. When you have two losses in a 4 month period that doesn't really make you feel a whole lot better. My heart was broken again. We decided to call this little one Lilo (short for "Little Love") All of this happened the week before Natalie's due date. I have had a tougher time after Lilo being around babies, pregnant women and continuing to be faithful in prayer. I know God is sovereign but I was so down, down on myself. I was struggling so much bu the Lord revealed things to me through these losses. So here is what I have learned:
- I have to fully trust in God's timing in everything. I cannot put babies on a timeline. At this point I am in no rush to try again. I need to be where God wants me to be when He wants me to be a mommy on earth. I am here for His glory. He isn't here for my desires and my plans.
- My husband amazes me everyday with his love, support and encouragement. He has been my rock he brings me back to level ground.
- I have reconnected with a friend after 5 years. She is going through some health scares but is hours away from me. Without our trials I do not know that we would have reconnected. I am grateful for this.
- I am focusing on me. What I need and want, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I am back at the gym getting back into shape and already feel better about myself. I cannot express to you how losing a child before birth makes you question yourself. I felt like I could not do anything right. My body was in horrid shape under my clothes. DH even noticed a change in my attitude in the last few weeks.
- I have learned that it is ok to say no. I cannot and should not be focused on pleasing everyone else.
- It is ok to not be ok around babies and pregnant ladies. I am not rude to them but I have a hard time socializing with them, especially ones taking a healthy pregnancy/baby for granted by making not super healthy choices. It bothers me. Maybe it shouldn't but it does. I am slowly getting past the baby thing. I have held a baby or two since Nat and I was ok.
This is super long so I will update on my platelets later.
