It was one year ago that we heard Natalie's heartbeat for the last time. I remember lying on the bed next to my hubby, Nat was in her favorite position backside up making my belly hard. Her heartbeat was strong and steady, no sign that our baby girl would be called home to Jesus that night while we slept. I look back on this journey and how I have grown is bittersweet. I think about my new baby growing within me and praise God for the blessing that this little one is to us. This pregnancy has been much different from Natalie's. I have been sicker, more tired, more headaches, more emotional. I would not trade the life I have been given. My heart breaks when I think about my Natalie dying but through her death I have grown in my walk with Christ. This time last year was so uncertain. We didn't know what was going to happen with her. On one side I wanted God to heal her and allow this baby to grace my arms. On the other hand I did not want her to stay on this earth if it meant she would suffer physically and emotionally because of her anomalies. I never dreamed that I would be able to bless others in their time of loss. I never dreamed that I would be who I am today and have a better understanding of Christ's love for us and God's love for us. I miss my baby girl like crazy but I know she is having a great time in heaven. I hope this new baby doesn't mind being smothered with love because he/she has been the desire of my heart for a long time. I am trying to enjoy every day with this baby. It is a struggle everyday to trust that everything is ok and not think about all the things that could go wrong. I have to trust God's sovereign plan. I hear the song "Blessings" By Laura Story today and its lyrics are so true...
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
