New Babies

So I thought that I was finally ok with pregnant women and babies...not so much.  My sister in law had a baby boy this week.  I am happy for the newest edition to their/our family but it brought back those sad feelings of disappointment.  I have wanted to be a mom since I can remember.  A year ago I was hoping for that BFP and in about a month I got it.  I never imagined a year ago that I would say goodbye to 2 babies.  The hard thing is that when you have a new baby in the family you get the group texts all day.  So all day you are reminded that your babies are in heaven.  I never imagined that I would have this reaction and I feel bad for feeling this way but it is how I feel.  Thankfully they live a 3 hour plane ride away.  DH went to see them for the night since he is off this week.  I just can't.  The last infant I held was Natalie.  I have held little ones but not newborns.  I can't...I had such anxiety over this s few days ago.  She is the one I want to hold again.  DH sent me pictures of our 2 nieces when he got there.  When I first saw that he sent pictures my heart sank.  I thought they would be of the baby, they weren't because I am married to the best man alive who thinks about the fact that I can't go with him because my heart is still breaking.  Oh but then...someone (not my hubby) attached me to a group text with loads of pictures of him holding the baby, edited pictures.  Maybe he hasn't told them the real reason I didn't come out yet.  I shouldn't be surprised that people do not even think about someone in my positions feelings.  I am sure they think I should be past this now.  I shouldn't have expectations of others but I guess I do because I try to really think about others' feelings.  I deleted the thread.  I have taken Facebook off of my phone and rarely go on it on my computer.  Babies are in your face everywhere. I just need a break.  I want so badly to go back to being that happy go lucky person I was.  I know I have grown and learned from this experience but emotionally this is so hard.  Thank goodness FEEL group was this week and everyone said these feelings are very normal.  I just feel like it isn't the reaction God wants me to have. I know he has a plan for us.  I know all things work for his good.  The waves and wind still know his name.  I am terrified to try again.  The ladies at FEEL said you will know when you are ready but you will never again have that happy blissful pregnancy.  DH wants to wait a while more so we can pay off the hospital bills.  If it weren't for that he would probably be fine trying again.  I am tired of crying.  I am ready for happy stuff.  I really am so blessed to be married to the man I am married to.  I wish no one had to go through what we have gone through but my hope for those who do is that they have a strong support system with their family but especially their spouse/partner.  He has really been my rock and my supporter and encourager.