Mother's Day

I didn't think Mother's Day would be a big deal this year...Guess I was wrong.  I have a fabulous mother I love more than anything but last year was so special.  I was a mother.  I was almost 12 weeks along with Natalie.  We were slowly sharing our great news that I was a mom...I am still a mom yet something is missing.... Some people acknowledge that you are a mom even  if you do not have children on this earth.  Most people forget.  I shouldn't expect them to acknowledge that I am a mother because there is not a physical reminder to them that I have babies that are not with me.  I, however have the daily and hourly reminder that I am a mom but my arms are empty.  Church and my relationship with God are important to me.  I look forward to going and worshipping and learning more about our Lord.  Since the loss of Natalie, however, church is more difficult. I get emotional much more often.  My husband has to travel for work and I used to have no problem going without him.  Now, I find that my anxieties run high if I know he won't be there.  At least when he is there I have someone to lean on if emotions begin.  I was a hot mess on Easter.  I was in CO visiting his sisters and he had to work so he wasn't there.  The first song we sang was one hat struck me after we found out about Natalie being sick.  It talks about God being the healer.  The next was a song I sang to Natalie that I first heard last year at Easter with my SIL at their church.  The final song said "I am no longer a slave to fear".  I want to live that out but it is so hard after the losses and heart break.  I have never been that clingy girlfriend or wife but I have found myself much more so in the last 9 months.  Sometimes I wish I could skip certain days, Mother's Day is one of them.  I will slap on a happy face but inside I will be dying.  I know there is a bigger plan but I miss my girl. Holidays and traditions have meaning to me more so than my DH.  Thanksgiving was tough e would have had or been close to having her, Christmas was hard  because we should have been showing our princess to family.  Now we are getting to the holidays where we had her last year and were making memories and signing cards from us and baby...I am trying not to get stuck on her and these things and it would almost just be easier to give up on trying again and just be content with it being the two of us.  I saw something today where a mom who lost a baby said something about not wanting to forget the baby but wanting to forget the pain...IT sucks when you see parents popping out kids and not taking care of them and not caring about them and I would give up everything to have a child and love them and raise them the right way...