Blessed

Wow...it is awesome to see the way that God works.  He works all hings out for good.  I keep going back to this verse.  Was Mother's Day a challenge? Yes.  But I was blessed by it.  Sunday we went to church.  We were a few minutes late but I guess hey did baby dedications first and we missed them.  Thanking the Lord for working our lateness into something good.  Pastor had a fabulous message.  We have been learning about prayer and different prayers.  Sunday he spoke about Hannah's prayer.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with Hannah.  Hannah was barren for years.  Unable to have children, her husband took another wife (children were needed o help farm and such).  His new wife gave him children and this new wife would rub it in Hannah's face that she could not have children.  Hannah, as you can imagine, was very sad and distraught about being barren.  She prayed that the Lord would open her womb and she owed that if she was blessed with a child she would dedicate him to the Lord.  Pastor spoke of the pain that moms, women wanting to be moms and women who can't have children go through.  He made some very powerful points that I needed to hear. "No baby is enough. No spouse is enough.  God is enough."  We have to live that.  We also have to pray that His will be done...why?  Because that always gets a yes.  It was his will that DH and I go through the rial of losing our first child to a "fluke"  and our second to who knows? His plan is bigger than ours.  Pastor talked about how so many people and especially moms have to go through some very hard trials to develop a strong relationship and prayer life with God.  Hannah's prayer was for her son to grow in a life dedicated to serving the Lord.  I remember praying while pregnant with Natalie that we would raise our child to love the Lord and life a life for him.  I still pray that for our children that we can demonstrate God's love and raise them in a way that would be pleasing to the Lord.  My grandma said to me on Sunday, "you should have been a mom today"  I said, "I am a mom"  She said, "yes, but you should have a baby in your arms and that us bothered me today"  Bless her heart...We all got teary and I told her it was ok.  This journey is not all flowers and unicorns.  There are times where DH is still figuring out the thing/events that spark me being upset.  My advice to couples going through these tough times is to always communicate your feelings.  When I don't I sometimes expect him to us know, sometimes he does but it isn't fair to assume he will.  When I don't communicate my feelings there are misunderstandings and hurt feelings.  Communicate!  When we do we can comfort each other.  He really has been a rockstar throughout this whole thing.  I have been so blessed...

Mother's Day

I didn't think Mother's Day would be a big deal this year...Guess I was wrong.  I have a fabulous mother I love more than anything but last year was so special.  I was a mother.  I was almost 12 weeks along with Natalie.  We were slowly sharing our great news that I was a mom...I am still a mom yet something is missing.... Some people acknowledge that you are a mom even  if you do not have children on this earth.  Most people forget.  I shouldn't expect them to acknowledge that I am a mother because there is not a physical reminder to them that I have babies that are not with me.  I, however have the daily and hourly reminder that I am a mom but my arms are empty.  Church and my relationship with God are important to me.  I look forward to going and worshipping and learning more about our Lord.  Since the loss of Natalie, however, church is more difficult. I get emotional much more often.  My husband has to travel for work and I used to have no problem going without him.  Now, I find that my anxieties run high if I know he won't be there.  At least when he is there I have someone to lean on if emotions begin.  I was a hot mess on Easter.  I was in CO visiting his sisters and he had to work so he wasn't there.  The first song we sang was one hat struck me after we found out about Natalie being sick.  It talks about God being the healer.  The next was a song I sang to Natalie that I first heard last year at Easter with my SIL at their church.  The final song said "I am no longer a slave to fear".  I want to live that out but it is so hard after the losses and heart break.  I have never been that clingy girlfriend or wife but I have found myself much more so in the last 9 months.  Sometimes I wish I could skip certain days, Mother's Day is one of them.  I will slap on a happy face but inside I will be dying.  I know there is a bigger plan but I miss my girl. Holidays and traditions have meaning to me more so than my DH.  Thanksgiving was tough e would have had or been close to having her, Christmas was hard  because we should have been showing our princess to family.  Now we are getting to the holidays where we had her last year and were making memories and signing cards from us and baby...I am trying not to get stuck on her and these things and it would almost just be easier to give up on trying again and just be content with it being the two of us.  I saw something today where a mom who lost a baby said something about not wanting to forget the baby but wanting to forget the pain...IT sucks when you see parents popping out kids and not taking care of them and not caring about them and I would give up everything to have a child and love them and raise them the right way...