4 weeks

4 weeks ago yesterday, I delivered Natalie.  It has been a month since she went home to be with Jesus.  I just read an article by a mom who had a similar diagnosis but s bit earlier than ours.  She chose to terminate due to the likelihood that her little girl would pass and the challenges that she would have if she survived.  Thinking about our decision to carry Natalie despite the likely outcome, I would  not change a thing.  Every parent wants their child to have a "normal" child without challenges.  As a teacher I have had many students with many challenges but they can overcome them many times.  I am not judging this other family in any way.  I am, however, glad that we chose to let God's plan play out.  There are many women leading normal lives while having Turner Syndrome.  I would not change a thing that we did throughout this pregnancy.  As difficult as it has been dealing with this grief.  I have an easier time dealing with it knowing I did all I could to protect her precious life.  She lived in me for 23 weeks.  And I loved her every single minute of her life with me.  I struggle seeing other pregnant women, especially ones I am not close with.  I have moments of great hope that God will bless us again and heal our hearts with a rainbow baby.  My co workers bought us a butterfly bush.  We planted it on Saturday.  Shortly after it was planted a little orange butterfly flew around us.  I am not one to put a lot into physical signs from our loved ones that have passed but it was a good feeling to think that God and Natalie were watching us plant it in her memory and sent us a little butterfly to give her approval.  I may have written this before so forgive me if I am repeating myself.  I do not  know the souls of my future children.  I pray for them daily that they will follow the Lord and love Him but it is not a guarantee.  I do know, though, that I will see Natalie in Heaven.  She is waiting for us.  Job 12:10 In his hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind.

I Will Carry You

Today is a tough day.  You will have those.  We got Natalie's ashes yesterday, maybe that is what has sparked it or telling a few friends yesterday of our loss.  Sometimes you just need a good cry.  "People say I'm brave but I'm not, truth is I'm barely hanging on."  This line is so true when you go through this.  I had a friend who went through a similar situation and she has put it perfectly.  She said "I wish I were in a club of one and no one else had to ever endure this".  I miss feeling her move in my belly and enjoying life just with me and my little girl.  I am sharing this because if you are going through a situation like this you should know it is ok to be sad and to cry and grieve for your lost loved one.  I cannot get through this song without tears but the words hit so close to home.  I Will Carry You By Selah

It Is Well With My Soul

One of the things that has gotten me through this trial is music.  My husband and I are both musical, he plays guitar and piano and I love to sing.  Before we knew about Natalie's diagnosis I would sing to her, mostly in the shower.  The first song that really had meaning was "Oceans" by Hillsong United.  I first heard this song a few times before getting pregnant.  The day of our first OB appointment I was a ball of nerves.  I prayed that day that everything would be well with the baby.  My husband and I drove separately because we both would be going to work after the appointment.  The song "Oceans"  came on and I began listening to the words.  The verse that stuck with me from that day was the following:

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

It was not until the days following the ultrasound that those underlined words played over and over in my head.  This by far was the most difficult trial I had ever endured.  Looking back on my life and the trials that I went through before this, I saw how every time God brought me through, He never failed me.  People ask why bad things happen to good people.  Sin in this world is why bad things happen to people.  God allows it so that we can draw close to Him and trust Him.  The strength and comfort that I have found comes from Him.  I gave this to Him from that first day because I could not handle it alone.  I am normally a very positive and happy person.  I have found happiness through Him.  

There are a number of other songs that had deep meaning to me:

Be Still My Soul-This classic hymn soothed my anxious soul even up to my time of delivering Natalie.  

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

How great is it that in my grief and pain God provided peace and love to my husband and I in such a hard trial.  Yes, we are grieving and are sad that our daughter is no longer here on Earth with us but our joyful end is being reunited with her in Heaven.  God sent His son to die for my sins and your sins.  When I think about the sadness I feel about losing Natalie but I cannot imagine watching my daughter or son die a horrible and painful death in the place of someone else.  

Forever-Kari Jobe goes along with the statement above.  Because of God's love in sending His son death is not eternal for those who know Him.  My favorite part of that song is:

The ground began to shake
The stone was rolled away
His perfect love could not be overcome
Now death where is your sting
Our resurrected King has rendered you defeated

Forever, He is glorified
Forever, He is lifted high
Forever, He is risen
He is alive
He is alive

Where is death's sting?  We miss and grieve for our loved ones that die.  Death is a sad time in life.  Funerals and hospitals are two things that most people want to avoid because of what goes along with them.  I know that Natalie is safe and healed in Heaven and I will get to see her and live forever in heaven with her.  

The first time I heard the next song I was sitting on the beach in Florida.  We knew that Natalie was sick and she had  a 1% chance of making it.  I heard the line "So let go my soul and trust in Him The waves and wind still know His name"  He is in control of everything, not just my life but the waves and the wind I was surrounded by.  It is not only a beautiful song but the words have a great meaning to those going through a situation like ours.  I know that through it all I have to keep my eyes on Him.  His plan and will are bigger and better than mine.  We can try to understand why things like this happen but the truth is that we won't understand, we aren't meant to understand.  But I have hope that we will be blessed again.  

It Is Well-Bethel Music

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul

It is well it is well with my soul
ahhhhhhh 

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You Lord
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.

My hope is that these songs may give you comfort and peace during times of great trials.  As James 1:2-4 tells us, "2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Our Story...The Short Version

March 18, 2014 was one of the most exciting days of my life.  It was the first time I took a pregnancy test and saw those two pink lines.  I praised God for blessing us with our first child.  We were due November 25th, 2014.  We went to my OB/GYN at 9 weeks.  We saw  a little peanut and a little flutter of the heart. At 13 weeks we heard the heartbeat.  A strong 175.  A friend gave us a handheld doppler so we were able to hear the heartbeat whenever we wanted.  It was my bonding time with baby.  My doctor warned us to not freak out if we couldn't find the heartbeat.  From almost 14 weeks I never had trouble finding our little peanut's heartbeat.  June 30th we were scheduled to have our anatomy ultrasound. I was almost 19 weeks.  My husband was out of town so my mom came with me.  We planned on having a gender reveal party that weekend and told the Ultrasound Tech to keep it a surprise for us.  She scanned my belly pointing out all of my little one's body parts and taking notes.  She had me go to the bathroom and brought the doctor in.  I figured this was protocol.  I knew that any issues would be addressed by the doctor and thought that a clean bill of health would also be given by the doctor.  Earlier that morning while in the shower while going through my morning prayer time I prayed that if there was something wrong with my baby the Lord would help me love it in it's imperfections even as He loves me with  my imperfections.  The doctor came in and told us that there were major concerns.  For the next while I didn't comprehend the majority of what she was saying.  I heard the words, Hydrops, cystic hygroma, chromosomal defect...They sat me up on the bed and I had to lie back down.  I felt like I was in a nightmare.  Once I was able to get a grasp on myself my mom and I asked many questions.  The doctor wanted us to get an amniocentesis to determine the cause.  We knew that my blood was not the issue and it was likely something like trisomy 13, 18 or 21.  She also told me that based upon the scan alone I had a 10-25% chance of bringing my baby home.  My husband came home that evening from his trip and we went for the amnio the next day.  The following week we got a call from our doctor.  We were having a baby girl.  Our baby girl had Turner Syndrome.  Turner Syndrome is a deletion of the second x sex gene.  We met with a genetic counselor that same day and she explained that it is a fluke that is not likely to happen again.  When all of the genes divided, our baby only got one x instead of two.  There would be some issues like short stature, lack of puberty, fertility, webbed neck and some other physical differences.  We were also told that 99% of pregnancies with Turner Syndrome end in miscarriage or stillbirth.  Our little girl had a 1% chance of making it.  This child that we so longed for would most likely be going home to the Lord instead of going home with us.  We were brokenhearted but we wouldn't give up hope.  We had people praying that she would be healed.  There were about 6 weeks until school was to begin and so we also prayed that if God's plan was to take her home that he would do so before I was to return to school.  I couldn't imagine beginning school pregnant and having to explain to my students the death of my baby.  We tried to keep hoping and praying but after the second ultrasound it knocked us down a bit.  The doctor told me that there was not any improvement in the hydrops and that they couldn't get any worse.  To top it off she also told me that my amniotic fluid was lower which can indicate the baby beginning her struggle and decline.  I asked if we still had a 1% chance and she said we did.  In the back of my head I knew that she knew I needed that hope but I don't think she really thought we had that chance.  Later that evening my husband began strumming his guitar and she began to move all over.  She was her daddy's girl but we will get into that another day.  That Thursday we listened to her heartbeat before bed.  It was in the 140s which had been typical for her and it was steady.  She sounded great.  I woke up Friday with a strange feeling that something was wrong. I grabbed the doppler and searched and searched...no heartbeat.  I told myself that maybe the lack of amniotic fluid or her hydrops were making it difficult.  In my heart I knew she was gone.  That connection I felt with her the days and weeks before was gone.  Her kicks were gone.  My husband reminded me of the doctor's warning when we told her about the doppler.  Saturday I was already emotional.  I came across the song, "I Will Carry You" by Selah.  It was my song to Natalie.  I had decided from the moment I knew I was pregnant that I would carry that child no matter what, I would love that child for my whole life.  I cried to God that if He hadn't taken her home and that was his will that he would take her.  People kept saying how "strong"  I was and I knew my strength could only come from God but I wasn't strong enough to live with the constant question of whether my daughter would get better or not.  I waited until Monday to call my OB because I wanted her to be the one with me.  She has been my doctor from my first "girl appointment".  She scanned and scanned.  She looked back at me and shook her head.  tears streamed from both of our eyes.  I told her we knew our little girl had gone home to be with Jesus.  She hugged me and cried with me.  We scheduled our induction for that evening.  We would be able to hold her when she was born and get photos and footprints.  She was born July 29, 2014 at 6:44 am.  Though we knew this was the likely outcome the grief and pain of losing a child that was so wanted was beyond any pain I had ever felt in my life.  I will share more details about things we learned and saw during our experience but I will also share things that gave me encouragement and hope.  We named our little girl Natalie Grace.  I say her name everyday and I love it more everyday.  The Hebrew meaning of Natalie is "You give me".  Her full name means "You give me Grace".  We didn't know this when we named her.  God is so good because he gives us grace and though this has been the worst summer and experience of my life I have found comfort because of His grace.  If you do not know what I could possibly mean stick with me and I will show you what He has shown me in all of this.  I still miss my baby girl every single day.  And I am holding back tears as I type this because I long to hold her in my arms but I am reminded that I can hold her for eternity when I see her again in heaven.