Our Story...The Short Version

March 18, 2014 was one of the most exciting days of my life.  It was the first time I took a pregnancy test and saw those two pink lines.  I praised God for blessing us with our first child.  We were due November 25th, 2014.  We went to my OB/GYN at 9 weeks.  We saw  a little peanut and a little flutter of the heart. At 13 weeks we heard the heartbeat.  A strong 175.  A friend gave us a handheld doppler so we were able to hear the heartbeat whenever we wanted.  It was my bonding time with baby.  My doctor warned us to not freak out if we couldn't find the heartbeat.  From almost 14 weeks I never had trouble finding our little peanut's heartbeat.  June 30th we were scheduled to have our anatomy ultrasound. I was almost 19 weeks.  My husband was out of town so my mom came with me.  We planned on having a gender reveal party that weekend and told the Ultrasound Tech to keep it a surprise for us.  She scanned my belly pointing out all of my little one's body parts and taking notes.  She had me go to the bathroom and brought the doctor in.  I figured this was protocol.  I knew that any issues would be addressed by the doctor and thought that a clean bill of health would also be given by the doctor.  Earlier that morning while in the shower while going through my morning prayer time I prayed that if there was something wrong with my baby the Lord would help me love it in it's imperfections even as He loves me with  my imperfections.  The doctor came in and told us that there were major concerns.  For the next while I didn't comprehend the majority of what she was saying.  I heard the words, Hydrops, cystic hygroma, chromosomal defect...They sat me up on the bed and I had to lie back down.  I felt like I was in a nightmare.  Once I was able to get a grasp on myself my mom and I asked many questions.  The doctor wanted us to get an amniocentesis to determine the cause.  We knew that my blood was not the issue and it was likely something like trisomy 13, 18 or 21.  She also told me that based upon the scan alone I had a 10-25% chance of bringing my baby home.  My husband came home that evening from his trip and we went for the amnio the next day.  The following week we got a call from our doctor.  We were having a baby girl.  Our baby girl had Turner Syndrome.  Turner Syndrome is a deletion of the second x sex gene.  We met with a genetic counselor that same day and she explained that it is a fluke that is not likely to happen again.  When all of the genes divided, our baby only got one x instead of two.  There would be some issues like short stature, lack of puberty, fertility, webbed neck and some other physical differences.  We were also told that 99% of pregnancies with Turner Syndrome end in miscarriage or stillbirth.  Our little girl had a 1% chance of making it.  This child that we so longed for would most likely be going home to the Lord instead of going home with us.  We were brokenhearted but we wouldn't give up hope.  We had people praying that she would be healed.  There were about 6 weeks until school was to begin and so we also prayed that if God's plan was to take her home that he would do so before I was to return to school.  I couldn't imagine beginning school pregnant and having to explain to my students the death of my baby.  We tried to keep hoping and praying but after the second ultrasound it knocked us down a bit.  The doctor told me that there was not any improvement in the hydrops and that they couldn't get any worse.  To top it off she also told me that my amniotic fluid was lower which can indicate the baby beginning her struggle and decline.  I asked if we still had a 1% chance and she said we did.  In the back of my head I knew that she knew I needed that hope but I don't think she really thought we had that chance.  Later that evening my husband began strumming his guitar and she began to move all over.  She was her daddy's girl but we will get into that another day.  That Thursday we listened to her heartbeat before bed.  It was in the 140s which had been typical for her and it was steady.  She sounded great.  I woke up Friday with a strange feeling that something was wrong. I grabbed the doppler and searched and searched...no heartbeat.  I told myself that maybe the lack of amniotic fluid or her hydrops were making it difficult.  In my heart I knew she was gone.  That connection I felt with her the days and weeks before was gone.  Her kicks were gone.  My husband reminded me of the doctor's warning when we told her about the doppler.  Saturday I was already emotional.  I came across the song, "I Will Carry You" by Selah.  It was my song to Natalie.  I had decided from the moment I knew I was pregnant that I would carry that child no matter what, I would love that child for my whole life.  I cried to God that if He hadn't taken her home and that was his will that he would take her.  People kept saying how "strong"  I was and I knew my strength could only come from God but I wasn't strong enough to live with the constant question of whether my daughter would get better or not.  I waited until Monday to call my OB because I wanted her to be the one with me.  She has been my doctor from my first "girl appointment".  She scanned and scanned.  She looked back at me and shook her head.  tears streamed from both of our eyes.  I told her we knew our little girl had gone home to be with Jesus.  She hugged me and cried with me.  We scheduled our induction for that evening.  We would be able to hold her when she was born and get photos and footprints.  She was born July 29, 2014 at 6:44 am.  Though we knew this was the likely outcome the grief and pain of losing a child that was so wanted was beyond any pain I had ever felt in my life.  I will share more details about things we learned and saw during our experience but I will also share things that gave me encouragement and hope.  We named our little girl Natalie Grace.  I say her name everyday and I love it more everyday.  The Hebrew meaning of Natalie is "You give me".  Her full name means "You give me Grace".  We didn't know this when we named her.  God is so good because he gives us grace and though this has been the worst summer and experience of my life I have found comfort because of His grace.  If you do not know what I could possibly mean stick with me and I will show you what He has shown me in all of this.  I still miss my baby girl every single day.  And I am holding back tears as I type this because I long to hold her in my arms but I am reminded that I can hold her for eternity when I see her again in heaven.