It's a ....

Healthy looking boy!  We were so nervous at the ultrasound, the tech did a great job showing us all of the good things she was seeing.  I saw the little boy parts before she even got to it.  I also was watching all of the measurements.  Seeing that he was measuring ahead of my original due date.  Many things pointed to good.  Dr came in and said everything looked great, changed the due date to January 21st and said unless my Dr. thought I needed more scans he wouldn't need to see us again!  What an answer to prayer!  We cannot wait to meet him.  There are times when fears creep up but you cannot let them in.  So far he is kicking and moving around and has a good heart beat.  I love this little man more than words can describe.  I miss Nat but I wouldn't have him if we didn't go through our losses.  We are preparing for him.  We registered, washed baby things, discussed his room theme.  It feels good to have this hope and excitement.  Our 5th anniversary is today.  I am so blessed to be this little man's mommy and be married to his daddy.  He has been my rock and I could not have asked for a better husband.  We have been praying for this little guy to grow strong and for us to be good parents.  I know there is no guarantee in pregnancy and even after babies are born but if you focus on the what ifs you will go crazy.  I have hopes and dreams for our family and I am thinking positive and trusting God's plan for us.

Milestones

It was one year ago that we heard Natalie's heartbeat for the last time.  I remember lying on the bed next to my hubby, Nat was in her favorite position backside up making my belly hard.  Her heartbeat was strong and steady, no sign that our baby girl would be called home to Jesus that night while we slept.  I look back on this journey and how I have grown is bittersweet.  I think about my new baby growing within me and praise God for the blessing that this little one is to us.  This pregnancy has been much different from Natalie's.  I have been sicker, more tired, more headaches, more emotional.  I would not trade the life I have been given.  My heart breaks when I think about my Natalie dying but through her death I have grown in my walk with Christ.  This time last year was so uncertain.  We didn't know what was going to happen with her.  On one side I wanted God to heal her and allow this baby to grace my arms.  On the other hand I did not want her to stay on this earth if it meant she would suffer physically and emotionally because of her anomalies.  I never dreamed that I would be able to bless others in their time of loss. I never dreamed that I would be who I am today and have a better understanding of Christ's love for us and God's love for us.  I miss my baby girl like crazy but I know she is having a great time in heaven. I hope this new baby doesn't mind being smothered with love because he/she has been the desire of my heart for a long time.  I am trying to enjoy every day with this baby.  It is a struggle everyday to trust that everything is ok and not think about all the things that could go wrong.  I have to trust God's sovereign plan. I hear the song "Blessings"  By Laura Story today and its lyrics are so true...

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

After the Storm Comes the Rainbow

About 5 weeks ago we got to see those 2 pink lines.  Last week we got to see our little jumping bean.  That's right, we are prayerfully expecting a baby in January.  I have to say that I feel better emotionally this time around.  I occasionally begin to let those thoughts come through but I remind myself it is out of my control.  Prayer has to be constant.  Trust has to be constant.  I do not know how couples can go through the loss of children without faith and trust in a loving God.  God didn't allow us to go through this as a punishment but to draw us closer to him.  We often think about God as this punishing father.  The truth is, he is crazy about you.  He wants success for you and wants you to be happy but just like every parent he will not make bad things go away.  We have to go through these things to learn from them.  I am much more calm this time around, not because of my strength but because I trust God's plan.  We have been through terrible loss and He got us through.  I trust his plan.  I know tomorrow isn't promised.  I am thankful the Lord has given this blessing to us.  So, for those of you who are going through this trial here are some things that I have learned and a few pieces of advice.

• Pray without ceasing.  Even when you don't feel like it. Pray.
• Take time to heal.  I personally was not mentally ready to be pregnant again the second time. I was far from myself after that loss.
• Read "Expecting With Hope" during your next pregnancy.
• Surround yourself with positivity. Your baby needs a happy place to grow and thrive.
• Stop Googling every little thing.  Soon as I stopped going crazy on Google my outlook was much more positive.  
• Find a support group for families experiencing early loss.  I am so glad I went to my group the week after Natalie's death.  These women have gone though it.  It is different than a grief group because their losses are very similar to yours.  You will grown and then be able to help others who are new to the group.  Helping others through loss has been healing to me.
• Turn to the Bible.  You will find comforting words and verses and people experiencing loss and trials.  I have verses that play over and over in my head when I am in need of comfort.
• Know that you will get through this and you will see your babies one day if you believe Jesus came to this Earth and died for your sins.  My prayer is that you will have healthy and happy pregnancy.

Blessed

Wow...it is awesome to see the way that God works.  He works all hings out for good.  I keep going back to this verse.  Was Mother's Day a challenge? Yes.  But I was blessed by it.  Sunday we went to church.  We were a few minutes late but I guess hey did baby dedications first and we missed them.  Thanking the Lord for working our lateness into something good.  Pastor had a fabulous message.  We have been learning about prayer and different prayers.  Sunday he spoke about Hannah's prayer.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with Hannah.  Hannah was barren for years.  Unable to have children, her husband took another wife (children were needed o help farm and such).  His new wife gave him children and this new wife would rub it in Hannah's face that she could not have children.  Hannah, as you can imagine, was very sad and distraught about being barren.  She prayed that the Lord would open her womb and she owed that if she was blessed with a child she would dedicate him to the Lord.  Pastor spoke of the pain that moms, women wanting to be moms and women who can't have children go through.  He made some very powerful points that I needed to hear. "No baby is enough. No spouse is enough.  God is enough."  We have to live that.  We also have to pray that His will be done...why?  Because that always gets a yes.  It was his will that DH and I go through the rial of losing our first child to a "fluke"  and our second to who knows? His plan is bigger than ours.  Pastor talked about how so many people and especially moms have to go through some very hard trials to develop a strong relationship and prayer life with God.  Hannah's prayer was for her son to grow in a life dedicated to serving the Lord.  I remember praying while pregnant with Natalie that we would raise our child to love the Lord and life a life for him.  I still pray that for our children that we can demonstrate God's love and raise them in a way that would be pleasing to the Lord.  My grandma said to me on Sunday, "you should have been a mom today"  I said, "I am a mom"  She said, "yes, but you should have a baby in your arms and that us bothered me today"  Bless her heart...We all got teary and I told her it was ok.  This journey is not all flowers and unicorns.  There are times where DH is still figuring out the thing/events that spark me being upset.  My advice to couples going through these tough times is to always communicate your feelings.  When I don't I sometimes expect him to us know, sometimes he does but it isn't fair to assume he will.  When I don't communicate my feelings there are misunderstandings and hurt feelings.  Communicate!  When we do we can comfort each other.  He really has been a rockstar throughout this whole thing.  I have been so blessed...

Mother's Day

I didn't think Mother's Day would be a big deal this year...Guess I was wrong.  I have a fabulous mother I love more than anything but last year was so special.  I was a mother.  I was almost 12 weeks along with Natalie.  We were slowly sharing our great news that I was a mom...I am still a mom yet something is missing.... Some people acknowledge that you are a mom even  if you do not have children on this earth.  Most people forget.  I shouldn't expect them to acknowledge that I am a mother because there is not a physical reminder to them that I have babies that are not with me.  I, however have the daily and hourly reminder that I am a mom but my arms are empty.  Church and my relationship with God are important to me.  I look forward to going and worshipping and learning more about our Lord.  Since the loss of Natalie, however, church is more difficult. I get emotional much more often.  My husband has to travel for work and I used to have no problem going without him.  Now, I find that my anxieties run high if I know he won't be there.  At least when he is there I have someone to lean on if emotions begin.  I was a hot mess on Easter.  I was in CO visiting his sisters and he had to work so he wasn't there.  The first song we sang was one hat struck me after we found out about Natalie being sick.  It talks about God being the healer.  The next was a song I sang to Natalie that I first heard last year at Easter with my SIL at their church.  The final song said "I am no longer a slave to fear".  I want to live that out but it is so hard after the losses and heart break.  I have never been that clingy girlfriend or wife but I have found myself much more so in the last 9 months.  Sometimes I wish I could skip certain days, Mother's Day is one of them.  I will slap on a happy face but inside I will be dying.  I know there is a bigger plan but I miss my girl. Holidays and traditions have meaning to me more so than my DH.  Thanksgiving was tough e would have had or been close to having her, Christmas was hard  because we should have been showing our princess to family.  Now we are getting to the holidays where we had her last year and were making memories and signing cards from us and baby...I am trying not to get stuck on her and these things and it would almost just be easier to give up on trying again and just be content with it being the two of us.  I saw something today where a mom who lost a baby said something about not wanting to forget the baby but wanting to forget the pain...IT sucks when you see parents popping out kids and not taking care of them and not caring about them and I would give up everything to have a child and love them and raise them the right way...

New Babies

So I thought that I was finally ok with pregnant women and babies...not so much.  My sister in law had a baby boy this week.  I am happy for the newest edition to their/our family but it brought back those sad feelings of disappointment.  I have wanted to be a mom since I can remember.  A year ago I was hoping for that BFP and in about a month I got it.  I never imagined a year ago that I would say goodbye to 2 babies.  The hard thing is that when you have a new baby in the family you get the group texts all day.  So all day you are reminded that your babies are in heaven.  I never imagined that I would have this reaction and I feel bad for feeling this way but it is how I feel.  Thankfully they live a 3 hour plane ride away.  DH went to see them for the night since he is off this week.  I just can't.  The last infant I held was Natalie.  I have held little ones but not newborns.  I can't...I had such anxiety over this s few days ago.  She is the one I want to hold again.  DH sent me pictures of our 2 nieces when he got there.  When I first saw that he sent pictures my heart sank.  I thought they would be of the baby, they weren't because I am married to the best man alive who thinks about the fact that I can't go with him because my heart is still breaking.  Oh but then...someone (not my hubby) attached me to a group text with loads of pictures of him holding the baby, edited pictures.  Maybe he hasn't told them the real reason I didn't come out yet.  I shouldn't be surprised that people do not even think about someone in my positions feelings.  I am sure they think I should be past this now.  I shouldn't have expectations of others but I guess I do because I try to really think about others' feelings.  I deleted the thread.  I have taken Facebook off of my phone and rarely go on it on my computer.  Babies are in your face everywhere. I just need a break.  I want so badly to go back to being that happy go lucky person I was.  I know I have grown and learned from this experience but emotionally this is so hard.  Thank goodness FEEL group was this week and everyone said these feelings are very normal.  I just feel like it isn't the reaction God wants me to have. I know he has a plan for us.  I know all things work for his good.  The waves and wind still know his name.  I am terrified to try again.  The ladies at FEEL said you will know when you are ready but you will never again have that happy blissful pregnancy.  DH wants to wait a while more so we can pay off the hospital bills.  If it weren't for that he would probably be fine trying again.  I am tired of crying.  I am ready for happy stuff.  I really am so blessed to be married to the man I am married to.  I wish no one had to go through what we have gone through but my hope for those who do is that they have a strong support system with their family but especially their spouse/partner.  He has really been my rock and my supporter and encourager.    

It's Been a While...

Where do I  begin?  There have been ups and downs since I last wrote.  I miss my little girl tremendously but I know she doesn' miss me.  She is in the glory of God everyday.  She is so busy worshiping him she doesn't have time to miss us the way we miss her.  Her due date, November 25th was a tough day.  It was the day she "should have" been here with us.  The holidays were tough I did a lot of faking it til I made it. My family did a great job trying to keep me busy but under that smile was a lot of pain.  I have really tried to stop looking back and dwelling of the would have beens and should have beens and focus on the life I have been given and he good hat comes from these trials.  

So rewind to October 24th...a month and a day before Nattie's due date.  DH took one look at me after coming home from work and said go take a test you are pregnant I see it in your eyes again.  I wasn't even late yet.  I brought it out and handed it to him and told him to wait 3 minutes and if there were 2 lines it meant we were pregnant with our little rainbow.  He looked at it and said it's already there! In that instant I went from being excited to scared.  Scared that I would be "let down" again and lose another child.  We had decided that we wouldn't post anything on facebook until baby was born, July 5th was he due date, if it comes a week early it could be June 30th, the worst day we had, the day we found out our baby girl was sick.  I was hoping for June 30th it would make a terrible day a happy day again.  I announced at work the following week and found that two friends K and D were both due within a few weeks of me.  We told family and a few close friends.  I was a hot mess, I was trying to trust in God's plan but knew that anything could happen at anytime.  I was nauseous even before I took a test.  I hoped this was a good sign.  I told my FEEL group and GriefShare group.  Each time I told someone I felt this pang, something wasn't right.  I started spotting on a Thursday.  I read that it can be very normal.  If i isn't red or heavy don't worry.  I had to drive in the first bad snow that night to pick my DH from the airport.  The next day it was about the same until the evening when I saw a tiny bit of red.  We went to see a movie but I could hardly concentrate.  Saturday it got worse.  Sunday, November 16th, DH had to go back to work, he contemplated calling off to stay with me.  I had already made sub plans and called off for Monday.  I spoke with the OB on call who said if it wasn't filling a pad in an hour it was probably normal and to take it easy and see my OB Monday.  I told him to go ahead and go as here wasn't much we could do and he might as well make some money.  He headed to the airport to fly out.  An hour or so later the back pain and spotting turned to bleeding.  My parents were a a function and his sister was in town so I called her o take me to the ER.  I knew in my heart of hearts hings were no right but was hoping that if my intuition was wrong we could see Little Love's heartbeat.  My parents met us there.  DH called as soon as he landed.  I felt horrible that he was alone...again.  My friend was my PA in the ER.  He had another female PA do the exam.  I could tell by her sounds and all that it wasn't good.  I will not go into too much detail but I asked her if she found tissue.  She said she thought so.  They send in the ultrasound tech.  She wouldn't let me see the screen...I thought that if she saw something she would show me.  I asked her if she was allowed to tell me anything.  She said not really.  My friend came in a while later to tell us that it seemed that I was miscarrying.  My uterus was clean,  There was not a sack so it appeared to have passed early on.  They thought the tissue was from "result of conception".  They sent me home, I would have blood drawn in 2 days to be sure my HGC levels were going down.  I would be monitored until they were 0.  My platelets were low again so my OB agreed to have me have those checked for my peace of mind.  She didn't feel the two pregnancy losses were connected.  She said some women just have a pattern of a delivery-good or bad outcome and the next is a loss.  When you have two losses in a 4 month period that doesn't really make you feel a whole lot better.  My heart was broken again.  We decided to call this little one Lilo (short for "Little Love") All of this happened the week before Natalie's due date.  I have had a tougher time after Lilo being around babies, pregnant women and continuing to be faithful in prayer.  I know God is sovereign but I was so down, down on myself.  I was struggling so much bu the Lord revealed things to me through these losses.  So here is what I have learned:

• I have to fully trust in God's timing in everything.  I cannot put babies on a timeline.  At this point I am in no rush to try again.  I need to be where God wants me to be when He wants me to be a mommy on earth.  I am here for His glory.  He isn't here for my desires and my plans.
• My husband amazes me everyday with his love, support and encouragement.  He has been my rock he brings me back to level ground. 
• I have reconnected with a friend after 5 years.  She is going through some health scares but is hours away from me.  Without our trials I do not know that we would have reconnected.  I am grateful for this.
• I am focusing on me. What I need and want, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I am back at the gym getting back into shape and already feel better about myself.  I cannot express to you how losing a child before birth makes you question yourself.  I felt like I could not do anything right.  My body was in horrid shape under my clothes.  DH even noticed a change in my attitude in the last few weeks.
• I have learned that it is ok to say no.  I cannot and should not be focused on pleasing everyone else.  
• It is ok to not be ok around babies and pregnant ladies.  I am not rude to them but I have a hard time socializing with them, especially ones taking a healthy pregnancy/baby for granted by making not super healthy choices.  It bothers me.  Maybe it shouldn't but it does.  I am slowly getting past the baby thing.  I have held a baby or two since Nat and I was ok.

This is super long so I will update on my platelets later.